From the pastor . . .

 

            It has been my joy in the last couple of months to do some pastoral counseling with two couples who are preparing to get married.  I use a very good resource called Prepare and Enrich in my conversations with couples.  One of the areas of relationship strengthening that we discuss is communication.  The material stresses the importance of using “I messages” and “active listening” skills.  Every time I have the opportunity to practice these skills with a couple, I am reminded of how I need to hone my own skills in communication.  That being said, I want to share some of this good information in my newsletter article with you.  If I need to hear it from time to time, perhaps you do, too.

 

            Let me begin with “I messages”.  It matters very much HOW we say what we want to say to our friend, spouse, partner, or whomever we are talking to.  If we begin with a “you message” we are likely to offend or put someone on the defensive, unless we are going to give them a compliment.  For example, “You are late again!  Are you trying to give me an ulcer?!”  That kind of statement is likely to put the person we are talking to on the defensive.  An argument could likely erupt.  Or at least the person will feel criticized or hurt by what you say.  However, if we use the “I message” technique, the same information is shared but in a less threatening way.  The formula to use is:  “When you … I feel…”  So that same statement shared with an “I message” would sound more like this:  “When you get here late, I feel worried that something bad has happened to you.”  Or “When you get here late, I feel anxious about starting our meeting on time.”  Stick with what you really feel, but use the formula:  “when you…I feel…”  Stop and think before you speak.  Remember and use the formula.  Work at changing your habit of starting a conversation with an accusation. 

 

            “Active listening” is the practice of  focusing one’s full attention on what the person talking to us is saying.  Many times when we are in conversation with someone, and especially when it is a difficult conversation, we are thinking ahead about what we are going to say next rather than listening carefully to what is being told to us.  In “active listening” the one spoken to listens carefully to the speaker.  Then after the message is complete, the listener repeats in a paraphrase what he/she has just heard.  If it is an accurate statement, then the speaker nods his/her consent.  If it is not accurate, then the speaker says, “Let me try again,” and the process is repeated until the speaker feels accurately understood.  When a person can tell that the other is trying to understand them and is listening with complete attention to them, they feel respected and honored by that person. That always makes the conversation go better.

 

            Right now perhaps we can blame it on the record breaking heat and the devastating drought, but don’t we catch ourselves saying accusatory words to or about others?  Jesus had some wise words for his disciples (and us) about thoughtless words that slip from our lips.  It was after the feeding of the five thousand when the Pharisees and the scribes had accused Jesus’ disciples of eating without going through the ritual of washing according to the Jewish law.  The passage goes like this as Matthew recorded Jesus’ words in chapter 15 beginning at verse 10:  [Jesus] called the crowd to him and said to them, “Listen and understand, it is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but it is what comes out of the mouth that defiles.”  Then the disciples approached and said to him, “Do you know that the Pharisees took offense when they heard what you said?” He answered, “Every plant that my heavenly Father has not planted will be uprooted. Let them alone; they are blind guides of the blind. And if one blind person guides another, both will fall into a pit.” But Peter said to him, “Explain this parable to us.” Then he said, “Are you also still without understanding? Do you not see that whatever goes into the mouth enters the stomach, and goes out into the sewer? But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this is what defiles. For out of the heart come evil intentions, murder, adultery, fornication, theft, false witness, slander. These are what defile a person, but to eat with unwashed hands does not defile.”

 

            Jesus has always been more concerned about the condition of our heart than about anything else about us.  You’ve heard the expression, “Your mind is in the gutter.”  Well the same can be said about the heart.  Jesus wants our hearts to be about loving God and loving our neighbor.  One of the ways we love God and love each other is to handle with care how we talk to or about each other.  God’s eighth commandment goes like this: You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.   Martin Luther explains this commandment like this:  “We should fear and love God so that we do not deceitfully belie, betray, backbite, nor slander our neighbor, but apologize for him/her, speak well of him/her, and put the most charitable construction on all that he/she does.” 

 

May it be for you and for me, that we take these words to heart.

 

                                                                        The Lord Bless You and Keep You,

                                                                        Pastor Magdalene